Mutton Dressed as Lamb

Hi

I am not here to do a comedy routine – I am actually up here to remind my husband that it is my birthday in a couple of weeks.

I don’t mind telling you that I will be turning 43 because I don’t actually have a problem with that but I am staring to run up against rules that dictate what I am allowed to wear.

I really like clothes and I like to wear nice clothes cause the make me feel good and I do get lots of comments about them like – what the hell are you wearing!

But as long as my daughter who is the style Nazi in the house says  – can I have that when you die, I figure I am on the right track.

The trouble is that in the old days when you were in your 40’s you knew where you were – you were Middle aged where Middle wasn’t actually a word but the initials MDL which actually stands for Mutton Dressed as Lamb.

Now you may have noticed that I am currently wearing a pair of leather pants (which I bought a few weeks ago because they make me feel like Trinity from the Matrix).

Clearly I shouldn’t have chosen to wear them tonight because you can’t actually wash them and I am a little nervous!

Anyway, I discovered when I was reading the label in the loo a little earlier that they are made from lamb leather so in effect I have become an icon for my own generation by being mutton dressed IN lamb.

Or perhaps the look is more

Lamb shanks topped with preserved lemons.

Or stuffed lamb loin fillets.

Or glazed leg of lamb – with wilted greens

Or Wreck of lamb with sauce

Or Chump chops with gravy

Whatever it is it is certainly more ewe tube than boob tube

More dag than jag

More Lard than Prada

And more merino than Valentino

But anyway

Now that 40 is the new 57 or the new 23 or something, I forget which. Then MDL aged really has to stretch from about 35 to 60 and it is just not a big enough so I have decided to add a new category called Mutton dressed as Hoggett.

If you are not from a farming or butchering background you might not realize that a hoggett is a year old sheep, no longer a lamb but not yet mutton,

and since I don’t feel that I have turned into full blown mutton (or even flyblown mutton) quite yet I think that hoggett dressed as lamb suits me better

and that way I can progress through to mutton dressed as hoggett in my own good time.

But what about men, How come they are never referred to as Mutton dressed as lamb?

Even though there is more than enough Mutton dressed as Ram going around.

Even though they shop at Peter Shearers

And some of them are called Shaun

And even though as they get older their thoughts get woolier

And their horns get curlier

And they start to think that even the hoggett is looking like lamb.

And then there are the wethers. Did you know that wethers are rams who have had their potential removed and they are called wethers because they don’t know whether they are Aaarthur or Maaaarthur.

And while we are on the subject of Ungulate management practices did you know that crutching a sheep involves slicing away the wrinkles from around the back end so the skin grows back taut and smooth for easy shearing.

Now if that doesn’t sound like some home grown plastic surgery then you obviously haven’t looked closely at Baaaabara Walters recently!

Anyway all this is beside the point – which was to remind my husband that my birthday is coming up quite soon and I am looking forward to a good basting and a couple of hours at 200 degrees.

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About Mikaela

I am an artist and writer living in the Perth Hills
This entry was posted in Comedy, Speeches. Bookmark the permalink.

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